What is Breadcrumbing?

Picture this: You’ve met someone who seemed interested. You exchanged contact information, and you’re excited to get to know this person and see where things go. They are flirtatious and friendly, but their outreach is inconsistent, and they take days to respond. They talk about things they want to do with you, like going on dates, but never actually set a date. You never fully have this person’s undivided attention. This person is leaving you breadcrumbs.

Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you sporadic crumbs of attention—just enough to keep you interested in a relationship with them—to serve their own personal needs and ego. It’s a form of manipulation and a toxic behavior. The person leaving the crumbs usually has no intention of ever being in a relationship with the person they are breadcrumbing. Breadcrumbing can include small amounts of attention in various forms, such as flirtation, random texts, or comments on social media. It tends to happen more digitally than in person.

Breadcrumbing vs. Benching

Breadcrumbing and benching are both terms used in the dating world to describe when someone is stringing you along. When someone is breadcrumbing you, the breadcrumber does things to stay relevant in your mind and keep you interested with minimal effort on their part. They never do enough to establish a meaningful relationship and often have seemingly valid excuses for their behavior (e.g., being busy with work or school), leading you to believe they are genuinely interested.

Benching is slightly different. Much like sports, when you’re on the bench, you are aware that there are other players, and you are waiting for your turn. The bencher keeps you close enough to have you as an option. You get occasional dates, some attention, and phone calls. You are the bencher’s backup plan and security blanket when all else fails. But don’t get your hopes up if you’re benched; it is unlikely that you will end up in a committed relationship with the bencher, as they often find someone else to commit to.

11 Signs of Breadcrumbing

1. Their words and actions are not aligned. They verbalize interest but their actions tell a different story.

2. They take days to respond to your outreach.

3. They are inconsistent with communication.

4. They talk about plans with you, but never commit to them.

5. They reach out randomly, flirt, but never make plans to meet in person.

6. They engage with you on social media but don’t try to develop a deeper relationship.

7. They keep conversations surface-level.

8. They disappear for long periods without explanation.

9. They always have excuses for why they can’t prioritize you.

10. They make grand gestures just enough to pull you back in when you’re slipping away.

11. They send mixed messages and are temperamental

Why Does Breadcrumbing Happen?

People breadcrumb for various reasons, including seeking attention, an ego boost, fear of being alone, or the need for validation. Many narcissists engage in breadcrumbing. The person leaving the crumbs may reach out, express interest, and then disengage mid-conversation, leaving the recipient filled with self-doubt, wondering if they did something wrong. In reality, the person who is breadcrumbing is satisfying their ego and then losing interest for the moment.

Breadcrumbing often stems from the person’s feelings of inadequacy and their need for temporary validation. Breadcrumbers tend to have a few people in rotation that they breadcrumb.

How to Respond to Breadcrumbing?

DON’T! The best way to respond to breadcrumbing is not to respond at all. Once you recognize that you are being breadcrumbed, the best thing you can do for yourself is to cease all communication. Consider blocking them on all platforms, email, and your phone to resist the temptation of continuing the cycle of hope that they may one day offer you more.

If you have children or other ties to the breadcrumber, it may not be easy to cut them off entirely, but you can limit your engagement as much as possible.

Blocking and/or cutting someone off can be difficult but is sometimes necessary to take care of yourself and reduce the pain that comes with maintaining contact with someone who leaves you breadcrumbs.

If you are unsure whether you are being breadcrumbed, ask the breadcrumber a direct question about their intentions with you. Be clear, concise, and calm while seeking clarification.

If you choose to continue engaging with the breadcrumber, set clear boundaries. Let them know your expectations and what behaviors you will not tolerate.

Breadcrumbing and Your Mental Health

Breadcrumbing can significantly impact your mental health, often leading to confusion, self-doubt, loneliness, anger, resentment, and diminished self-esteem. The inconsistent attention and mixed signals can create emotional turmoil, leaving you constantly questioning your worth and desirability. This prolonged uncertainty can increase stress levels, contributing to anxiety and depression. The emotional ups and downs can make it difficult to trust others and form healthy, secure relationships in the future. If you find yourself caught in the cycle of breadcrumbing, prioritize your well-being by setting clear boundaries, focusing on self-care, and seeking support from a mental health professional to help navigate the emotional challenges and rebuild your confidence.

If you need support identifying whether you are being breadcrumbed or breaking free from the cycle of being breadcrumbed, contact us via our website (www.northnodetherapy.com).